Movie Reviews of 2005 #17.5 - The Constant Gardener

Bad news guys, The Aristocrats has been pulled from the release for tomorrow. We don't know why, and we don't know when it will get put back on the list. But I will let you all know. As for the review I have of a movie that premiered Weds. night {the last showing had all of 4 people in the audience of one of our 2nd largest capacity screens}

Umm, yeah, The Constant Gardener, {cough}, yeah, Well-ll-ll

How about The constipated Gardener?
The only thing that is more boring & long-winded than this movie is its movie poster that consists of 87% text. The movie was plugged as one of the most anticipated films of the year. Maybe by those with insomnia or other sleep disorders. Action-suspense-thriller? NOT EVEN CLOSE! If you have seen any of the commercials or trailers, you have seen ALL OF THE ACTION, SUSPENSE, AND THRILLS in this shitbomb. Out of five of us, three fell asleep, two for more than 10min. multiple times. We all took multiple breaks to pee or grab a smoke, I myself pee'd 3 times, had 2 cigarettes, and refilled my 32 oz. soda twice. Referring to my original rating scale, it was that bad. Matter of fact it is so bad it does not deserve a spanking, and definitely not the oral-sex, because on its own, it blows !

And as for the R rating, they may have said the "f-word" several times. Other than that, this movie barely deserves PG. They only "sexy bits" were some pregnancy distorted nipples, in VERY soft focus, and an ass shot of her getting out of the shower. Hell, there were more male nipple shots in focus than anything. Makes me wonder if the MMPA has gone rainbow on us all.

One other thing is that this movie runs over two & a quarter hours. It could easily be recut to fit into a one hour timeslot on the WE network. Which there is money riding right now on when that will happen. I don't want to spoil it but, none of us guessed later than new years.

So enough of the rant. Here is the story line:

• Brit. diplomat plays in his garden in Kenya while his wife goes & "saves the world" from plague, aids, TB, and other nasty things
  
• Said wife is murdered & her friend is implicated while they are researching evil doings by the great drug industries of the world that experiment on unwilling people
• find out from the friends associate that the friend "doctor" is gay & would not have had an affair with the wife.
• diplomat gets pissed & takes on where the dead wife left off
• he gets chased {barely} and runs {as only a brit lamely can do}
• after finding what his wife was looking for as proof, the nauti drug company & government officials get slapped on the wrist & the diplomat gets executed.

In short form: couple moves to Kenya, she dies, a friend dies, blame it on evil corporations, mix in a SHIT-TONNE of footage of hopeless, homeless, & hungry women & kids here & there, the guys dies, his buddy exposes all of the bad guys in the government & "the system" Then Sally Struthers comes out wearing a g-string asking for money.

OK, I know the Sally Struthers thing was a bit too much.

They showed her doing a donkey show in Tijuana under the closing credits.

That's how bad this movie was.

Blessed Be. Dr. S

PS/disclaimer: The whole Struthers thing is false. The ASPCA & the Humane Society would have shut the filming down if that were to have happened to that poor donkey.....